Lame jugak aku tak update blog ni...bukan ape, tp masih mengumpul kekuatan tuk cerita..sob..sob..sob.. hati ni sgt2 fragile....umpama puding terlebih air..hehe....
Yes, i have my very own reason kenape lame tak update. Tau tak yg hati ini sgt frust. Meh ai cite..telling you the truth, every time bile teringatkan "hal" tu....hati jd sedih...no body notice my sadness no body care or someone care but they dont even tell me sbb taknak ai sedih kot!! maybe lah....
As i mentioned i my previous post, my cik P is ting tong...suke suki kuar..suke suki takdatng. Actually since January this year, cik p meragam...kua sikit2, brownish colour gitue..tp tak la byk. Its continuously for several weeks then stop....same goes to feb, mar, april and may.
Bile buat upt hasilnye ade line tp blur (bleh refer kat my previous post).......
So on bulan may, i feel something but buat dunno jerkk....i am so freakin bz with my parttime job. Busy and tiring. I dont even bother my health. Last week of my bz day, malam tu g toilet and notice ada spot reddish. Ada rasa tak selesa skit. But aku buat tak tau jek. Before that, ade la tanda2 cik p nak mai...hati tu mcm hangin gak laa...tp at the same time syukur gak sbb dia mau dtg bile bz time nak abis..kok dia dtg time bz2 nihh...haru woooo.....hehehe
On the 5th of may, heavy flow melandaa. Ya allah......never go through this experience before. Berketul2 dia kua....sehari sampai 6-8 pad tukar...and every time tukar mmg penuh to the max.....masuk hari yg ke4 still mcm tu jgak..hati mula tak sedap. So hari ke 5 ai decided tuk g hospital tp takut kene tahan. Time tu kat umah my sis. Kang kok kene tahan susah....sbb mr hub nak dtg jauh. Jadi nye my sis suh gi clinic jer specialist jugk katenye...so aku pun gi laa..gegehhh bejalan mcm org lps keguguran. sampai jer clinic, kat reception tu ade sorang nurse otai..hahaha....dia tanye nape...sbb doc masuk kul 2.30 and time tu baru kul 12nooon....then my sis explain lah...aku da tak dayo nak becakap and dia tanye "is she pregnant?" ...my sis bitau laa lst month ade la buat upt tp blur2 gitu....now heavy flow...then nurse tu ckp "ok come in..let me scan her ....she looks so pale....(gile tak pale dah darah bebaldi kot kuar)...and come back at 2.30"
But before tu dia suh aku buat upt....can u imagine how la nak buat sbb cik p mencurah2 ....dia tetap suh buat gak katenye nothing to do with cik p.....aku pun gegehh buat...pastu trs pas kat nurse lagi sorang...my sis kepochi sikit..dia dok jer kat sblah nurse tuuu.....aku da tesandarrr kat kusi dahh....then tetibe dia dtgg ckp kat aku..."ehhhhh positive laa................"
im like "erkkkk......biau betul"....perasaan mcm....perlukah aku hapy? sedih? keciwaaaa? takut???....mcm tak cayeee jerk...so aku pun tgk sendiri dan hasil nyeee....................mcm ni
tp perasaan tu lebih kepada takut....sbb cik p dah mencurah2 kuar...mcm mana lak leh positive....berdebar hati ni allah jer yg tahu. mengharapkan yg terbaik ...jika betul "bungahati" yg ibu cari ade betul2 kat situ....mengharapkan dia sihat....walaupun perasaan tu kadnag2 jahat kate tak mungkin...sob..sob..sob....
Kami pon balik n decide tuk dtg balik kul 2.30. Dalam kete tuk seketika senyapp jer...hati aku gundah gulana...n my sis mcm tahu agaknye aku tgh sedih sume..so dia diam jer....lame2 aku cam rase tak sedap....mtk tolong dia tanye kan kwn dia....sister kat hospital ampang. Ikut dari ape yg kwn dia ckp.....kalau kite preggy pastu miscarriage..then buat upt still positive sbb hormon baby blom habis kuar.....tp ape pun tunggu doc for further explanation. Hati aku cam tersentap bile dgr mcm tu ....sob..sob.......time tu dah down dahh......tp muke buat2 cool jer....even hati da bekecai2...
2.30pm g balik clinic tu jumpe doc. specialist dr hospital kl...i let my sis to explain kat doc and tunjukkan upt td tu...and do the talking as well sbb aku takde mood at all. just jwb ape yg doc tanye jer.......doc scan skli lagi. my sis tanye doc aku ni misscarriage ker...doc ckp its too early nak ckp...dia suh amik darah buat beta hcg pstu katenye "pray for the baby still there".....im speechless. doc suh dtg after 2 weeks and at the same time bagi folic acid and pil hormon. I just consume folic acid jer and pil hormon tu aku tak amik pon, sbb mcm manis jer rasenye...aku ni da la diabetes, kang sakit lain plak yg dtg.
Aku buat keputusan tak gi pun jmpe doc tu after 2 weeks...sbb buat upt line sume da takde...and all the symptom gone. So aku blaja terime hakikat the baby is gone...belum rezeki aku nak jumpe bunga hati yg aku tunggu2 tu...perit nye hanye allah yg tahu. Im a good actress, depan org aku masih boleh gelak....pretend to be strong women.....tp hakikat nya hati ni sgt keciwa. Lucky my mr hun cool jerk....he comfort me when i was down....give me support in either way....haishh...nak ckp mcm mane kan...
**owh yaa...result for beta hcg tu NEGATIVE (tu yg menguatkan lagi aku maals nak jmpe doc tu)
Nak kate im givng up...nope..never....i wont, i strongly believe on Allah and aku sgt percaya dia akan makbulkan doa2 aku...pasti!! tp masanye tu ....but one thing, i know aku boleh pregnant! tu yg buat aku mcm lega...pasrah? ermm....redha? kdang2 senang je org ckp "ko kene redha...ko kene pasrah" tp yg melalui nye aku.....hati ni kadang2 jahat...even mulut kate iye redha / pasrah tp hati tak relaaa...tak relaaa...hanya ber TTC yang tahu perasaan keciwa nye mcm mane.....jika anda bukan ttcian dont ever pretend to understand our situation...totally different!!!
After "hal" tu...aku rasa im become a better muslim which is aku jaga hubungan aku dengan Allah...no..no bukan nak kate bile somthing bad happen baru nak ingat allah...bukann.....just aku rase aku lalai before this, lalai dengan suruhan nye ...solat pun rompong sane sini.....but now alhamdulillah aku syukur sgt Allah pilih aku untuk bagi petunjuk dan hidayahnya....aku insan yg terpilih untuk melalui semua ni. Alhamdullilah rezeki yg lain pun bertambah baik bile kita jaga hubungan dengan Allah. Cuma rezeki "anak" jer blom lagi. Ok aku cite bukan nak cite yg aku ni baik or da insap...bukan...just sharing tu jer.
Ok rasenye dah banyak sgt aku tulis....hehe...bile da ade kekuatan byk la plak nak tulis...kok takkk senyapp jer blog ni ye takkk.....hurm...till then..
p/s: Dear bunga hati ibu, belum ade rezeki untuk kita bersua muka, belum ade rezeki ibu nak dengar suara sayang...tp ibu pasti, Allah tak kejam...dia pasti dengar doa2 ibu tuk jumpe bunga. SEmoga ada sinar harapan ibu nak jmpe bunga tahun depan. Harap2 tahun ni bunga ada dlm rahim ibu....ibu sayang bunga tau.....ibu tau bunga ade kat satu alam yg lain, tak saba ibu nak jmpe bunga....love u ketat2 bungahatiibu!!!
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